Life, Love and Relationships

3 more hours to go and I will be officially out of Citibank Singapore.  I’ve finally ended my 6-year stay here. 

Nakakatuwang isipin na apat na araw na akong libre ng lunch galing sa mga tao o grupo ng mga tao na inaakala at mga hindi ko inaakala na manlilibre sa akin.   Bonus lang naman ang libreng lunch.  Mas natutuwa ako sa thought na ganon pala ako kaespesyal sa buhay nila kahit papaano para pag-aksayahan nila ng panahon. J  Andiyan ang lunch treat ng buong grupo namin, libre ng SFC Citibankers, libre sa akin ni Jay, ni Ronnie at ni Sir Mike.  Meron pang nabitin which is libre ni Marissa. J  Sa pagbalik ko sa Enero meron pa rin akong lunch treat galing sa mga dati kong users na akala ko ay nakalimutan na ako.  Meron din daw dinner courtesy ng barkada sa Citibank. 

Halo-halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.  Tuwa dahil sa makakalaya na ako sa seldang ito.  Kaba at excitement dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin sa susunod na taon.  Pero ang nakakagulat sa lahat ay ang unting lungkot na nararamdan ko ngayon, di ko inaakalang maisip na mamimiss ko rin pala ang iiwan kong parte ng buhay ko na ito.

Funny how I’ve realized that I can relate my relationship/experience with Citibank to my quest for the right partner.  Ending my ties with Citibank is like ending my ties with one of my boyfriends.  I’ve found myself in a situation that I was the only one who is giving so much and I thought that my effort can sustain the relationship up to the end.  Always keeping in mind that there is a hope that the other party will change because of love.  Only to find out that after so many years everything is still the same.  A hopeless romantic me in an emotionally draining relationship.

Nakakapagod din pala yung ikaw na lang ng ikaw ang nagbibigay.  Masaya sa una kasi may motivation pero dumarating din pala ang punto na mapapagod ka na.   Pasalamat ako at sa trabaho at sa boyfriend/girlfriend relationship ko ito narealize kasi mas madali ko pang macoconsider ang choice na tapusin na ang lahat.  Iba na kasi ang level of commitment pag mag-asawa na.  No turning back ika nga.  We need to make it work.  Kaya kailangan ng dasal na sana Makita ako ng taong nilaan ng Diyos sa akin.  Someone that I describe as my perfect fit.  Someone that I describe as not perfect because nobody is but he perfectly fits ME.

What helped me end a very long love that brought me more pain than happiness?  Brace yourself because you might find this corny.  Corny man pero ito talaga ang dahilan.  This was the reason why I was so happy and light-hearted after my break-up.  The reason?  It is the thought of God’s love and my family’s love for me.  I’ve reached the point that I’ve realized my self-worth through the idea of the love that I’ve felt from God and my family.  I know that they love me so much that they would love to see me happy for the rest of my life.  They’ve proven their love by making sure up to the best of their ability that everything will work out fine for me and that we can weather everything together.   It is this thought that awakened me to set myself free from the bondage that I am letting myself in.  My exact words before was I will bring my family injustice if I will bring myself to a lifelong sacrifice after all the hardships and sacrifices that they’ve endured just to ensure me of my happiness.

Knowing myself I can be in any relationship and will fight for it till the end.  The ultimate thought now is who can make me happy everyday and in turn I can also make happy.  May it be a day of laughter, quiet times together, healthy discussions, sadness, ‘storms’ and crying babies. 

Now I believe that a relationship should be a partnership.  It should be a 2-way relationship where both of you can feed and be nurtured by the love that each of you is contributing.  Someone that you can consider as a partner and not as your child.   Someone whom you can fight all life’s trials with.  Someone that will not extinguish the characters that you consider your best. 

Thanks for the love Lord.  Thanks for the love Papa, Mama, Kuya and Ate.   Thank you Lord for showering me with so many people that love me.  Thanks for making me realize that I should not short change the love that You made me realize that You gave me.

Pahabol.  As I walk my final steps out of our office, people clapped and bid me farewell.  Azenith gave me a gift that I opened in the cab on my way to my interview.  God surprised and delighted me again because the gift was one of the things that I really like to buy for a very long time.  God never fails to make me happy. J  Thanks for the expectant faith Lord! Thanks for delighting me. J 

I’ve been writing about the many wonderful blessings that I’ve received in 2006.  What you don’t know is the spice that made my 2006 such a very memorable and meaninful one.

       This year, I was really bothered with a life-changing decision that I need to make.  Out of anger and disappoint, I contemplated on moving out of Singapore to work in Europe or USA.  God calmed my worried mind by blessing me with interviews from European and US companies.  It somehow gave me hope that I can move out of this place.  However, so many mind-twisting events came like I was not considered to the Europian companies that I’ve applied to considering that I am really fit for the job and I have a former officemate who is working there and saying so many good words for me.  I consider that a blessing because I asked God to lead me to a place that has an SFC community.  Ireland and Scotland do not have one and God knows that if given the offer I will really consider moving to that place.  Hello!!!??  Europe!!??  Weekend get-away to Paris and Venice!!!

       So with the thought of taking a relaxing vacation to break my exhausting 5 years of work, with just enough savings and with faith in God, I dared to take on the challenge of trying my luck in the US when my Tita Neva agreed to support me while I look for a job.  In March 2006, I already filed my resignation effective June.  I took the GLF and GK build into consideration.  I prayed fervently for a US company to sponsor my working visa.  Alleluia! He gave me one. :)  He calmed my anger and I’ve decided to stay here in SG to wait for the release of my US visa.  I was so thankful to God because I will still have enough months to save for my new life in US and also to fulfill the goals that I have set for 2006.  At that point, I asked God what is His other purpose of me staying here in SG for another 6 months.

       SG National day parade came and it opened my heart to appreciate SG again and all of the wonderful things that I’ve experienced here.  This is where I had my independence.  This is where I fulfilled almost all of my dreams.  This is where I discovered a deeper relationship with God.

       Because of this SG-US puzzle, I gave my all to service thinking that this is my last Hoorah in serving God thru SFC-SG.  Thru this He gave me the answer to my question on service and He made me appreciate the value of service.

       His other purpose of my stay here came at the last quarter of the year.  This is when He gave me my ‘Inspirasyon, Solusyon at Kasagutan’ thru my Ragga family.  Being blessed with this group is not all bed of roses that other people see, we have weathered so many personal trials and attacks that really exhausted us and made us call for God’s help on the top of our lungs.  I am thankful to those trials because those are the reasons that bonded and made us stronger.  Those trials made us appreciate all the fun and happy times together.  Those trials painted that sweet big smile on our face whenever we are together.

       Thank God for giving me a disposition of seeing life’s trials as His blessings.  Each is surely a mind-boggling and head-cracking experience but if enjoyed it surely gave me the extra wisdom that I need.  Let us hold on to the promise that God has a reason for bringing us all the trials and sufferings.  Be assured that at the end of each dark tunnel is a light.  Concentrate on that light with faith in your heart and you will be strengthened to hold on to your very dear and precious life.

       That’s why I am always looking forward to the light at the end of each tunnel.

God is really GREAT!  Blessings are still pouring in before 2006 is concluded.

       Once again, He really moves in mysterious ways and I am thankful that He is sending the Holy Spirit for me to realize what I need to realize.  Eversince He opened my heart to passionately love him, an all-time, big-time question in life came up which is ‘How to truly love my enemies?’.

       I used to be a very submissive slave of pride and can easily shut off a person from my life whether he/she is a significant or insignificant factor in my life.  A song changed me from being a very submissive slave of pride to its struggling enemy.  However, I know that I can do better than avoiding the people that I have bad blood to.  I knew in my heart that I still need to uncover the true meaning of God’s word ‘Love your enemies’.  So the big question is HOW?  What should I do to tell myself that I am already loving my enemies.

       I just realized that God gave me a precious gift on His birthday.  A gift that He would like me to give back to Him as a lifetime present.  Truly with God there is no such thing as a coincidence.  I have more than one option to celebrate my Christmas eve and in a very God-planned way I ended up celebrating it with my Kuya’s family and Ate Noralyn.  I’ve crossed over with Ate Noralyn and siyempre pa pag nagsimula na kaming magtanungan ni Ate Noralyn e hahaba na ang usapan.  One topic that came up was my compelling question on ‘How to love my enemies?’.  Ate Noralyn gave me a straightforward answer and that is SEEING THE GOODNESS IN EVERY PERSON.  She pointed this out with an example on how she handles the person that both irritates us.  The goodness that you can see is not just limited to his character.  You can also look at the things that he do like service.  At that point everything is such a big mess, after a day, I was able to put everything in perspective and once again had a realization.

       I’ve realized that God is giving me the answer to my question in so many instances during the last quarter of this year.  Ragga once again is instrumental to this.  I remembered Je describing a person the same way Ate Noralyn did.  I remembered Gabs sending an email about finding Jesus in every person.  I remembered sharing to Ragga my random thoughts on how I was able to take out my hatred towards my father by focusing on his good side.  All of these instances were God’s hints on how I should refine my love for my enemies.  I just failed to recognize it then because I am limiting my mind and heart to the significant people in my life.  Now, He made me realize that all of His creation is significant so who am I to categorize.  Also, who am I to judge for I am also a big-time sinner being saved by His love.

       Thanks be to God for giving me the answer.  I know I will have so many encounters next year as His way of refining me.  I will gladly take on the refinement because I know that it will be another way of proving my love for Him.   I know it will be a struggle but I know He will always be there to patiently guide and love me no matter what.  He will always be there to knock my head lovingly from time to time and I will flash Him my most pa-cute and pa-innocent smile that I so love to give whenever I know that I’ve done something wrong.

       Wow! 4 more days to go before 2006 ends.  Buhos-buhos talaga!  Ano pa kayang regalo ang matatanggap ko?  I know that there is one ultimate gift again and that is I will get the chance to make my family happy because I am going back to the Philippines to celebrate New Year!!

       God is good all the time!!!! :)  For all of these may God be praised!!!!

God is really, really, really GOOD!   I can say that describing him as good is still an understatement but I can’t say that He is the BEST because He is incomparable because HE IS.

Exactly one year, 1 day and 2 hours ago I celebrated my 30^th birthday.  Tamang trip-trip lang, I prayed to God to surprise me in my whole 30^th year of existence.  Why did I term it trip-trip lang?  I guess it’s because of the fear of the unknown.  Fear of Him not answering such weird and child-like prayer.  Fear of not knowing that a certain thing is already His surprise for me.  But still, like a child with a ‘bahala na’ in mind, I prayed for Him to surprise me.  Along with this is a prayer of opening my whole being to His love and presence.

Surprisingly, I was able to acknowledge His surprises.  Grabe! There’s this certain voice, which I believe is the Holy Spirit, that tells me that a certain situation or thing is His blessing to me.   Let me name a few.

1. I was able to go home on my 30^th birthday and celebrated it with my family and very dear friends.
2. I attended my first ILC in Baguio City in February 2006.  I was able to visit Baguio City after a very, very, very long time.
3. The spice in my year!  The discernment on where I will settle.  He reawakened my dream of working in US.  Only to find out by the year end that He wills me to stay here in SG.
4. He gave me a US company to sponsor my working visa.
5. He gave me enough overseas job interviews to boost my morale during the times when I believe that I was bound to move out of SG.
6. He opened my eyes to the value of having and being in a community.  To the point of making that as criteria for the place where He would like me to settle because I know that it will be easier for me to adjust.
7. He helped me to totally close a chapter in my love life.
8. He opened my whole being to service.  He made me realize so many things about it.  He made me love to serve Him and to know its true and deeper meaning.  More of this in my next blog.
9. He answered my begging question of what should I pray for my negotiables and non-negotiables.  This is really a funny and mind-boggling experience.  In His process of leading me to the answer, He reacquainted me to the Ruschelle, Moomai, Chelle and Mahal in me.  I finally got the PERFECT answer before the year ends.  More of this journey in my next blog.
10. I attended my first GLF in Tagaytay City and renewed my vow to Him.  He opened my heart to a full commitment to Him.  Please refer to my blog titled ‘I am engaged’.
11. He gave me the chance to dance in almost all of the big celebrations that I attended like the GLF, Citibank and AIT parties and GK forum.
12. I traveled for the first time to Desaru, Malaysia and Bintan, Indonesia.  I got the chance to go back to Johor Bahru after 3 years.
13. I attended my first GK build and danced while I built to the beat of the music ministry’s songs.
14. He gave me the chance to dance at the International Village during the CFC’s 25^th anniversary at Quirino Grandstand.
15. He awed me with the power of prayers by opening my whole being to its power. 
16. He made me feel his leading from the smallest to the biggest decisions that I need to do in my life.  That is, from me attending the ILC or GLF to my US and SG discernment.
17. He gave me the 3^rd place spot in ITO idol Citibank competition. J Please refer to my blog titled ‘God has his ways of healing’ for more details on how magnificent He is. In a nutshell, He healed my insecurity in singing.
18. He gave me the wisdom to appreciate and somehow understand His book, the BIBLE.
19. He used me to help my kuya in finding a job in SG.
20. He had proven that He is my provider.  He provided me the treasure to pay my obligations for this year.  I’ve experienced having only 100 dollars in my payroll account with 10 more days before the next payroll.  Then miraculously I was given the check for my GLF or ILC reimbursement. J  Also, everytime that I need to bring the portable radio/cd player to work He will always make it a point that I will cross paths with a male friend whenever I ask Him for help.
21. First time to serve in a home for the aged.
22. Opened my mind and heart on the true meaning of love.
23. I got the chance to watch Superman Returns in IMAX 3D and made my father happy.
24. He gave me a chance to contribute to In His Step 2007 release.
25. He gave me a free photoshoot session courtesy of the ITO idol experience.  He knows how much I love to have a big printed studio shot.  He gave me a free IPOD and a trophy as winnings from the ITO idol competition.
26. He taught me how to ask for inspiration in writing my blogs.
27. He made me love the uniqueness that He blessed me with thru the testimonials of my SFC friends.
28. First time to visit Cambodia to see the awesome temples and came home safe.
29. He made me realize that He is my efficient timekeeper if the things that I will do are in accordance to His divine plan.  Activities for the ITO semi-finals and finals coincided with the CFC Sportsfest dance practices but I was able to manage to fulfill all.
30. He blessed us with a big and awesome Sportsfest opening number.
31. He blessed me with the things that I’ve long been looking for like the perfect white pants and white shoes.
32. He blessed me with the opportunity to watch Singapore National Day parade live at the Kallang Stadium for the first time.  By the way, this is also a momentous event because this is the last year that the parade will be held at the Kallang Stadium before its demolition.
33. He made me realize that He answers through the events in our everyday lives.
34. He blessed me with my Raggamuffin family from which He reminded me how He moves in mysterious ways and how blissful it is to have a God-centered relationship. 
35. He made me realize that He created, molded and refined me as a being of heart.  He blessed me with the movie Happy Feet to love the uniqueness that He had blessed me with.
36. He opened my whole being to the real praise and worship.
37. He protected our properties during the Milenyo typhoon.
38. Binigay Niya sa akin ang aking Inspirasyon, Solusyon at Kasagutan.

Looking back, I believe that He has been surprising me all my life.  However, I was not yet open to accept His extravagant love then.   Most of the things that I’ve enumerated above are tangible evidences of His surprises.   What I value most are the ones that He planted in my heart and whole being.  He opened my heart to be a very grateful one.  He opened my heart to be a generous one.  He renewed and refined me.   He simply opened my whole being to His presence, love, wonders and mysteries.  He made me realize that everything is all about Him!  He reacquainted me to the child in me.  A child with expectant faith.  A child that is always delighted with even the smallest things in life.   Now I am praying to God to always keep me this way.

God is really so magnificent because He concluded our year long celebration with a BANG!!!  He designed my 2006 for me to celebrate my 31^st birthday in Singapore because He wants to impress me on how he had blessed me with so many people that loves me so much.  If I remember it right, this is the first time that I blew 3 birthday cakes on my birthday.   I had a crossover celebration with my equitable barkada with our friends from OZ celebrating it with us. J  Galing talaga ni Lord!  At 7 am, my ragga family ambushed me with a sweet serenade of my favorite song.  It was really the spice of my day just like the pepper that I love to pour on my arrozcaldo (Je! I can hear you laughing! Ssshh! Hahaha).  I received birthday greetings via phone call, sms and friendster messages from my high school barkada, my college barkada, the rest of my equitable barkada, my Citibank barkada, my friends from Shanghai, my childhood friends including the one in Europe, my tita in US, my family in the Philippines and from my SFC friends and family.  Wow LORD! Thanks for making me realize that I have friends all over the world that loves me. J Galing mo talaga!  You never fail to impress me! Wala akong masabi!  Oo nga pala, I also received gifts from my family in the Philippines.  Di pa diyan nagtatapos ang kagalingan Niya, The highlight and the big UMPF of my birthday celebration was when I blew the candles on my 3^rd birthday cake courtesy of a very dear friend, Ate Noralyn.  It was during this time that a very, very, very precious gift was given to me in the form of prayers, wishes and honoring from the people that I know that loves me so much.  I know that they are people of God that only want the best for me.  Thank you very much for the heartfelt wishes and honoring.  Thanks Je for leading the pray over.  Napaiyak niyo ako! J 

Thank you Lord for making me feel your presence in my life.  Thank you Lord for creating, molding and refining me to whoever I am now. Please continue to refine me even more.  Thank you for sending me your angels in the form of friends.

If at times I will doubt myself I will only think of these words - Inspiration, Magic, a friend to keep, reason to smile, loving and perfect. 

Hhhhmmm… 3 birthday cakes for 3 big wishes for 2007. J  Please Lord!!! J 

Praise God for He is the strength of my heart!